Sister Soldiers

Strong woman…what does that mean? What kind of woman is that and why should I aspire to be her? Is it supposed to be a kind of compliment? What exactly makes her strong…do I embody her strength, and should I want to? The strength results from enduring every and any kind of pain. Being a survivor of years of emotional torture is something like a rite of passage into womanhood. Serving and submitting to everyone else and becoming their desires and living to meet their needs doesn’t appeal to me as a life worth living. I can’t help but ask myself…are we strong women or is the world somehow infatuated with our brokenness? I know for myself, it has taken years to pull of the layers and truly be fulfilled in the woman I am. First, I had to discover who I really was and learn to let everything that is me be enough even if I was somehow lacking to anyone else. I’ve always been known to be quite good at all things professional and business related. I know how to be serious, strict, and sophisticated… but those methods to “success” were not so successful outside of that world. I couldn’t be a boss with love, I wasn’t in charge of emotions and feelings that were largely non-existent in the professional world. I was largely out of touch with my softness and beauty that made me, not in a meek helpless sense but in the true power of the female image. I had learned and been hardened into outwardly appearing as a woman but adopting all the charge of a man. Frankly, not many men in my life have ever lived up to any standard of manhood, so why not just assume yet another responsibility… after all boys will only be boys while girls will go on to grow into women who will be scrutinized and condemned.
Letting go of control can be hard, society would have you think that it’s just men who suffer in silence or are made to deal with both self-inflicted and societal pressures, but it’s the same for women as well. Not recognizing the equality that both sexes have struggles: hidden, realized, and unknown is a disservice to the balance of nature. Sometimes we can ALL feel like you have no control over who you are. Emotions can run wild; all the while traumas are being triggered at any given time fueling the energy of our current state. But the reality is that no woman completely fits the cookie cutter of the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter etc., each is unique with her own essence of beauty, yet the world is not any closer to understanding, loving, and appreciating women in the most basic sense of being a woman. Relationships cannot validate you…children cannot replace the void of missing love… conformity will not comfort you…until being uniquely you is enough for you how can it ever be enough for anyone else?
Often times, I can’t help but feel I am only as good as body. I mean that in the superficial sense for society. I mean that in the most intimate sense for my husband. I mean that in the natural sense for my children. I have internalized that I only measure up to whatever look is on trend, how desirable my body curves, the softness of my skin, the sweetness of my scent, the tenderness in my voice, the muteness of my voice, how much burden I can bare without bending or breaking. In the end, I was only left alone bathing in my tears that had gotten so polluted they could not longer cleanse me.

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