As a sucker for romance, I like a good love story. Whether it’s a movie, a mushy book, or my everyday life I will always love, LOVE. From your own life experiences, you may know that love comes in many forms: family, friends, partners. Love is expressed and received as unique as the individual source. Sometimes it’s the words spoken other times it’s the actions shown that we need to carry us through. Although the world can seemingly harden you to this richly rewarding core of life, we are born craving love, such as we must catch each breath, to sustain our existence. Whenever I am challenged with other, not so beautiful, side of love, I have to ask myself…what happens when your conception was not the result of the beauty of love? What happens when all around you is a misrepresentation and manipulation of the truest and purest parts of being? There becomes a child, growing and rooting into adulthood, believing that they will be everything they need, and somehow it will be enough. For what is a life filled with hurt, pain, abandonment, rejection, inadequacy, and emptiness? After all you would never hurt yourself or leave. Everything you would ever need and want, you could provide for yourself…right? Funny thing is, even you aren’t as reliable and stable as you need yourself to be.
I often messed up the purest and happiest moments of my life because I was afraid of an impending let down. I thought happiness was something to always be longed for. I thought it was something everyone else got to have but for some reason I would never have it. I could console myself with endless daydreams of my perfect life. These dreams were filled with every hope that was denied to me, but more importantly these dreams were the parts of me that were rejected, the parts of me I was afraid to let be known, the thoughts I could never speak else they became reality. I never liked the idea that you needed someone to complete you. I never liked promises or hope, they always left me more empty and lower than I was before. I was comforted living in cynicism, at least this way my hopes and belief never got high enough to be let down or leave an opportunity to be hurt. I was so scared to be hurt, I couldn’t live. I forbid myself to be human for any reason. These forbidden parts were made up of my feelings, thoughts, and desires that could all be credited to the fact that I never really had anyone to be there for me no matter what the circumstance. Still, there is something inside me that always thinks “protect yourself, they can’t ever know you 100%…human love just doesn’t work that way”.
Years later, I realized I wasn’t protecting myself from anything, instead I had denied myself the very love I wanted…and later learned I needed. Any chance I had to give love, I avoided because it was denied to me. Any chance I had to receive love I rejected, it was easier to never know it and never lose it. I had finally understood what love really was. Although love doesn’t ensure only positive experiences, it can help guide you in understanding and healing. No matter what losses you take, remember life comes in circles and cycles. For every up there is down. For every loss there is gain. The catch is to never forget to equally value love: from yourself, family, friends, and the great loves we encounter. The minute you discredit any part of the love foundation, you will throw off your balance.
Love is not easy because we as humans are not perfect. We must first be shown love to properly give it and so many of us are hurting and broken, instead of searching externally we must pull from depths inside where love and compassion innately exist. Clear out the noise from society to hear your soul speaking what you need to move past the past into your loving future.
– With Love,