Broken Vows

As the new year approaches, it’s easy to fall on either side of resolution making. Some look forward to creating a laundry list of betterments that will only last short term. Others will resolve to stay the same. Whatever your approach to the new year, be true to you. Only you know the changes that need to be made and changes that need to stay. Instead, I offer this idea that has been simmering inside me. An idea that is not new, but just now resonating in my depths:

Learning yourself is something that is not readily done.  Loving yourself is something that very few achieve before leaving this realm. I have decided that I will dedicate to studying myself and listening to what my body is communicating to me. This is not something mysterious that takes some special gift. It simply means slowing down and taking time in the morning, midday, and evening to refocus yourself and adjust accordingly. We’ve all experienced that not quite right feeling, but what have we ever done about understanding it? We’ve all had flash backs of the past, but why is it calling back to you? What is unresolved? What have you neglected to feel that has stunted your growth? This is just a glimpse of what I am consciously focusing on daily.

Taking the steps to accepting and loving myself requires a bit more work. Doing so requires you to let go of who you are now. It requires you to build yourself new in the natural. Remove the falsehoods and subscriptions. Every day do what feels right to you. Will I do my hair, maybe?  Is that outfit okay, absolutely! How awesome would it be to be loved for EXACTLY who you are? For whatever and wherever you are, wouldn’t it be nice to just feel free in yourself. It would feel so much better to know those around you are gravitating to the real you. Knowing that you don’t have to keep secrets because you have accepted and presented what is.

I am slowly learning to accept myself first. All of my flaws I want to own each and everyone of them. Starting with my acne. I’ve spent years covering up, dieting, and buying proactiv faithfully (yes it really worked for me). However, my back has never been clear of the scars. So many times, I have put the cute dress back. So many times, I couldn’t wear the perfect shirt because I was exposed. So many comments taken to heart because I didn’t walk in confidence. I thought I needed others to accept me to feel like I was beautiful despite my imperfections. As the years went on, there were more and more things I learned to hate about myself. Situations I’ve put myself in that still bring me shame. In reality, we are all hiding and suffering in silence. We are made to believe that we are the only ones afflicted with pain, a past, insecurities, mistakes, regrets, passions, desires, darkness.

I choose to never walk in shame again. For those who cannot accept the woman I am, oh well. For those who can look past my imperfections, may we meet and never loose our connection. I will not allow myself to be reduced to tears and retreat in shame. Because deep down I didn’t love me. Deep down I didn’t accept my shortcomings. Deep down I didn’t accept the consequences of my actions. Deep down I didn’t accept that I am imperfect and that is perfectly okay. Now the deep down has risen to the surface. At the cusp of the new year, I really need a new me.

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